I am Not Lost

I had started this long blog set to the tune of The End Complete III:  The End Complete by Coheed and Cambria about my days in the museum I used to work in and I intend to post it later.

However, I wanted to write a little on these confusing feelings I have in another aspect of my life entirely…my long-forgotten love life.

A month or so ago I went to a hot-tub (hot is stretching it, as it never really warmed up) party and let the young man I like see me in a bikini.  This is unusual for several reasons.  One, I never wear swimsuits where other people can see me.  Two, I rarely like people.  And three, the people I like never invite me to hot-tub parties or anywhere at all, really.

So, we spent about four hours in that tub, our skin all wrinkly and legs wobbly from osmosis.  As the night flew by, we drifted closer and closer together due to hot-tub gravity, a well-known but little-studied phenomenon that causes people to sit quite close together despite the fact that there might be square yards of empty water.  We talked for an eternity about everything, while listening to music by Coheed and Cambria.  I like them.  A lot.  More than I’ve ever liked any other band.

Shut up.

As it grew late, we did eventually drag our weary bodies out of the frigid water and he watched me ruefully dress in my jeans and t-shirt.  We wnet looking for the other party-goer who had remained—one had left and crashed into my car on the way out.  The car is a monster and took no damage, yet recently I’ve had to pay exorbitant amounts of money to repair years-old issues to try to make the ol’ rig legal.  Now, it looks like one of the axels has given up…we’ll see.  A good old Volvo like this deserves better than to be traded in.  I should very much like to see it still on the road when the only other cars left are those puny-ass “smart” cars!  Woo for European longevity.

I sat down on the couch beside the slumbering party-goer and tried to talk to her while she mumbled and refused to wake for more than a few seconds.  Then, the young man I like came and sat down on the couch, taking up all of the remainder and using my under-funded chest as a pillow.

We watched Mythbusters and I fiddled with his hair a little.  It’s long, even a little longer than mine, which is currently shoulder-length.  I felt as though he must be able to hear my heart shattering with every beat…I had never felt like this before. 

A few weeks later, in a drunken stupor, we kissed with the help of Terrance, a gay man who decided the best thing to do would be to smash my head into the young man’s.  It was a chaste little peck, no more than a few seconds long.  Not to disparage my few former boyfriends, but nothing I experienced with them even came close.  I do not blame my drunkenness either.  I’ve thought of kissing him again every few seconds for the last few weeks.  Stone-stoner and stumbling drunk, I definitely want him.

But we are friends.  And friendship is the higher power.  Lust…means nothing.  I’ve lusted after college professors and Japanese martial arts insructors.

However…

A few nights ago only, after another party, though without a hot tub, I found myself once again staring into striking blue eyes, smiling like a retard, and then resting my head against his shoulder.  I was drunk.  Good things can happen while intoxicated.  He rested his head on mine.  After a long while of watching Adult Swim, I fell asleep.  Somewhere in my slumber, I remember warmth around my shoulders.  He had put his arm around me.  Perhaps he didn’t even know he was doing it.  There it was, warm and strong and holding me close.  One of his fingers slowly and rhythmically brushed against my arm, tracing patterns of electrical fire into my nervous system.

When I awoke, he had fallen over to the side and I was still partially lying on him…I wanted to remain there forever.  At the same time, I wanted to tell him it was late, he should go to bed and so should I to mine…but I couldn’t bear the thought of waking him as he snored softly there.

So.  Despite the fact that I do not need to be in another person’s life, despite the fact that I do not need someone else in my life…despite the fact that I have been alone and can remain alone….as a tiger remains alone…

I like him.  I shall never tell him.  He shall never know.  He has too many other girls stalking him and harassing him and cock-blocking me at every turn.  I am content with friendship, because it is all I will get.  Lions and Tigers are different species.  Even if they can produce viable young, they are hybrids and sterile.

The most we could hope for is mutual respect and trust.  I believed in wishes when I was a child.  No more.