I am Not Lost

It’s weird.  My first few boyfriends were practice, I guess, but what I learned from them was that good actors make bad partners, artists are happy to be losers, and martial artists, while physically fit, are boring.  So, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, right?

I had all but given up on finding anyone worth spending a moment of my time on.  I went on a few dates, though they went well, they were not…well…perhaps I was the only one counting them as dates.  An impromptu trip to Houston to see Coheed and Cambria might not be considered a date, but I had a damn good time and bought a concert tee that actually fit me.  All is good.

I don’t know how this is going to end, although part of me wants to be pessimistic and say that it will end horribly.  This is going to go spectacularly wrong and I will end up hurting him or he’ll damage me beyond repair.

I don’t want it to end, however.  At the moment, I am dancing.  I feel happy.  I don’t hate anything right now—except gas prices—and I make it through the most boring days at work remembering his touch…

I am terrified he will change his mind.  I know he feels the same.  He doesn’t have to.  I am certain that I want him for the long term.  I have forgiven him when he fell asleep through plans we’d barely made.  I have been forgiven for my lousy taste in movies, my inability to drink beer no matter how hard I try, my being a martial artist, and the fact that I’m kind of boring.

He said he was screwed when I found out how much hotter I am than he is.  He said he was jealous of himself.

He doesn’t know that I’m afraid he’ll change his mind.  I’m afraid he’ll leave.  He’ll think I’m only with him for…some stupid reason that isn’t true..and cut and run.  He doesn’t know that I don’t deserve someone like him.  He may wish he was Sith, but I know he’s Jedi.  I don’t want to hurt him.  At all.  Ever.

So, he’s afraid I will wake up one day and think he’s not hot.  And I know one day he’ll leave.

But for now….we’ve gone to scary movies and gotten into barfights and had epic battles in Walmart and in his home, played beer pong badly, and if I can swing it, I shall be dragging him out to a haunted house instead of our usual big ass beer night.  For now, he has seen nearly all of me, and I most of him, and we still want to see more….so we’re doing something right.